10 Habits of Highly Effective Babas

A struggling novice Baba who grew up without a Baba of her own is perhaps not the best authority to compile this list. However, what I did have was a mentor - the Super Baba - my mother.  On call more often than was probably good for her, her priority was always the kids – not the adults. Despite a demanding job of her own she had, in retrospect, boundless energy.  She gave freely, they love(d)her to smithereens; her house was their Happy Place. What I know about Baba-ing I learned from her. The Traditional Baba which my mother embodies is the family matriarch.  Family decisions were, even at an unconscious level, made with Baba’s reaction in mind. Things are different now and the modern Baba has to walk the line between being an asset and a liability to her offspring. So tread lightly...

1. Don’t give advice unless asked.  And should the cold day in hell arrive when you are asked for advice, be wary.  Even though I have never been suspected of holding my tongue, my tongue is, in fact, nearly severed from biting it so often. I know this is the right thing to do because when I asked my mother, a very traditional Baba, to contribute to this list, her first suggestion was: Give Advice.  And a cautionary note to all you passive-aggressive Babas out there (which is nearly all of you):  telling a story about your experiences as a parent is an underhanded way of giving advice.  Just sayin’…

2. Do not call the baby ‘my baby’.  Unless you want to see your offspring rise up and morph into a Grizzly Bear version of the Uber Parent, then do not make this mistake.  A low warning growl, pupilary dilation, extension of claw tips and the words That’s Not Your Baby, will make the distinction clear.  If you’re lucky they’ll soften the blow by adding “I’m your baby” at the end.  Which is really dear if you think about it. 

3. Do what you’re asked to do and only that. Throwing things out and re-arranging items where they cannot be found could, in retrospect, be seen as a stressor. While doing dishes and laundry are acceptable and perhaps appreciated, re-arranging the furniture and organizing your offspring’s correspondence, may not be.

4. Feed them. The true test of a traditional Baba’s power lies in her ability to feed a lot of people really well, really fast, with no notice.  Having a smorgasbord ready at any time of day is the true mark of the Super Baba. All Super Babas have at least 2 turkeys in the freezer, 8 pies, and 6 rings of kovbasa. Similarly, no self-respecting Baba will allow her kids to leave a family dinner without a Safeway bag full of Tupperware containing leftovers.  Stock phrases such as “Who’s going to eat all this?” can be used to guilt unwilling recipients into at least taking the leftovers home and disposing of them there. Modern adaptations of this rule may involve Grampa whipping up this feast while Baba goes for a swim.

5. Do not undermine parents’ decisions.  I have a certain amount of experience in this area.  Stomping my feet and brandishing my independence did absolutely nothing to discourage my mother the Super Baba from overturning my edicts regarding the raising of children.  Turns out she was usually right, but that’s not the point.  On a closely related theme, if your kids snap at you don’t take it personally.  It won’t be the last time you’ll be reprimanded so suck it up Princess and move on.

6.  Baba’s House, Baba’s rules.  While modern parents value the art of negotiation and of developing the child’s Inner Boss, at her house Baba has all the cards (a situation Grampa has lived with for what I’m sure feels like centuries).  Naps are not optional, sound-effects fruitless, resistance futile. People who wear diapers do not make decisions. It’s the army.  An army of delicious food, monkeying around, playing outside, hugging, lullabies, and silly songs.  But still the army. Complaint department:  3000 km that-a-way. Although soft-hearted Grampa is the sympathetic court of appeal, the chances of recapitulation are slim. 

7. Use the BBC:  Baba Babi Ckazala.  The literal translation, ‘Baba Told Other Babas’, doesn’t convey the beauty of this communication system between women (subset grandmothers) that has been used since the dawn of time to spread gossip at light speed.  However, the more mundane but vital use is to support one another by talking about your grandkids, your parents, your marriage, the world in general, your worries, your aches and pains, your dreams and plans, and who died recently. And bitching.  Don’t forget bitching. While men do their mental processing while watching tiny creatures run up and down a field, women share their experiences.  Any social structure that’s survived for that many millennia is there for a reason.  Use it.

8.  Be willing to change with the times.  The previous generation had one authority on child-raising and child development: Dr. Spock.  Since his book was written the world has become a more complicated and perilous place.  Research on every aspect of child-raising has resulted in rules that overturn the lessons of experience passed from generation to generation.  It is common now to read of things we did in the old days that might now be considered a sign of neglect or negligence. Although many of the new guidelines strike me as dubious at best, I do know that if we had had access to the research available now, we would have done the same thing as our kids are doing.  If science replaces the common sense lessons of time then so be it. Nostalgia is a luxury.

9.  Rejoice in the Common Enemy.  My mother used to say that the reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. While the observation is counter to modern thinking where we all work as a team, it does ring true in some respects.  Baba’s and Grampa’s house is a refuge from the realities of growing up, of training for real life.  It is a place where you are always perfect.  It is Time-Out in the nicest sense of the word.  What child doesn’t need grandparents who melt like butter just looking at you, who let you set the agenda, who let you carry on in the messiest ways, whose arms and rocking chair are a respite from the increasingly serious and demanding world?  If this wholesale spoiling of grandchildren gets you in trouble with the Enemy, then so be it.

 10. Tell your kids they're doing a good job.  Because they are.  Or you would've raised Holy Hell.